Artist: Ben
Album: The King in Yellow
I have a tendency to self-flagellate.
I made this playlist when I was at a point where I felt like my mind was poison, that the Universe had ordained me to suffer and that I might burn to ash before even half of my trials were over.
Dukkha. How easy is it, when we are gripped by suffering, to see life as nothing but. How hard it is to hold back the feeling...
...that whatever goodness, whatever precious moments we are afforded are placed simply and elegantly in our paths to make that inevitable fall to despair all the more mighty. I want to take the good with the bad. In life, there is suffering, but there is more here too.
It's just that my mind is poison. I'm weak. I see the trials before me, some I brought upon myself, some I never asked for, and I feel my knees buckle. It's easier to self-flagellate. To self-sabotage. I've never liked the feeling of putting a cigarette out on my skin, but I've gotten so used to carving strips out of my heart and watching the wounds fester. It feels good to let something grow. If I can't bring my feet to cross a bridge, why not burn it?
Maybe if I hurt enough I can be forgiven, or redeemed; maybe I can be deemed worth whatever it is that will justify it all, in the end. I don't blame anyone. I brought this upon myself.
It's okay to think these things. I need to let them out, because at the end of the day I don't want to hurt. I just need to learn how to heal. Till then, I'll take my wins where I can. I'll carve out one less strip. I'll rise above just once before I collapse to the ground to repeat the cycle again.
The King in Yellow: Madness, Romance, Decadence.