Dear reader,
Most jubilant of salutations. If you happened to come here from the About Me page, you may recall I requested to begin with formal introductions. Please consider this the informal follow-up. What you’ll find below is a thought dump— a transmitted river of consciousness, bursting past the mental dam that had for too long kept these words turbulently at bay.
I'm Ben. Welcome to My Neurascape.
You likely know that already. There’s power in repetition, seen and evoked in the energy of mantras or chants. Or maybe I just need to remind myself.
Before we begin, I want you to think of a seed, any kind that comes to mind. Hold on to that seed, clench it tight in your mind, and don’t forget it — we’ll get back to that.
'Who am I', this vessel asks.
'I am Ben', a voice replies in an echoed whisper.
I do not recognize it.
I’ve often said that question (The Question of Self) has always been the hardest for me to answer - not in the sense that I don't know who I am; rather, I find it difficult articulating that to other people. Who am I? Well, depends on who you ask, really. I'm someone's sibling, someone's child, someone's lover, someone's friend (and no one's enemy, for I have no enemies). Yet I wouldn’t say I am defined simply by my relationship to others.
I bear certain particular physical characteristics that contribute to whom others assume I am and to how I appear in the world. Yet while I am aware of these characteristics, I do not define myself by them. These things are significant to me, but I place no value in staking my identity on the altar of externalities.
Therefore, if I don’t feel like I can define myself solely based on my external relationships, my appearance or my presentation, maybe I can be defined by the things I do. In life, four main concepts dominate my cognitive calibration, ensuring the lodestone of my consciousness points towards these North Stars: Truth, Beauty, Novelty, and Nuance.
The things I do more or less revolve around these pillars, as do my reasons for doing them.
As an easy example, I love fitness, which exemplifies the truth of healthy living as well as the beautiful novelty experienced when your body sets new limits, achieves new feats, and surprises you by the sheer volume of its capacity. It is a blessing and a privilege
to have an abled body; it's an obligation to utilize it to the fullest. Sokrates once said something to a similar extent. I've even recently been taking martial arts in the form of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, a combat sport that requires a great deal of bio-mechanical intelligence (matches demand fighters execute dynamic responses and decision-making in extremely stressful scenarios). No two spars occur in the same way, even against the same opponent. There is so much ambiguity involved in deciding what the “right move” is at any given moment, deepening the layers and intricacies of the sport.
I thirst for knowledge - reading is tied with music as my oldest and most familiar form of release. A good book can completely transport you to a time and place not of your own, or a new, untamed world beyond the horizon of your imagination.
"The carrier pigeon was flying in a direct line for Anjiro from the west. She fluttered into a distant tree to rest for a moment, then took off once more as rain began to fall. Far to the west, in her wake, was Osaka."
"Is there beauty in Sodom? Believe me, that for the immense mass of mankind beauty is found in Sodom. Did you know that secret? The awful thing is that beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. God and the devil are fighting there and the battlefield is the heart of man."
"…The other two pulled away from her breasts and added their voices to the call, translucent wings unfolding and stirring in the air, and for the first time in hundreds of years, the night came alive with the music of dragons."
"Take advantage, and if you can’t take advantage, take disadvantage. We live here. On this planet, in this nation, in this county right here. Nowhere else! We got a home in this rock, don’t you see! Nobody starving in my home; nobody crying in my home, and if I got a home you got one too! Grab it. Grab this land! Take it, hold it my brothers, make it, my brothers, shake it, squeeze it,…build it, multiply it, pass it on—can you hear me? Pass it on!"
These are just a small taste of the innumerable word-spun tapestries that shaped who I am today.
Books don’t only serve as time machines and wormholes into the sprawling imaginations of the authors who pen them. Certain books have the power to alter or remap your cognition, like a dormant virus sent from hundreds or even thousands of years prior, transmitted visually with text as a vector. These sort of books infect their readers with powerful ideas or compulsions, rooting themselves deeply as convictions and tightly gripped beliefs. They then propagate like fire, inciting new lifestyles, offering solace to the weary, or even planting the seeds of global revolution.
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."
”Furthermore, Subhuti, that mind is everywhere equally. Because it is neither high nor low, it is called the highest, most fulfilled, awakened mind. The fruit of the highest, most fulfilled, awakened mind is realized through the practice of all wholesome actions in the spirit of non-self, non-person, non-living being, and non-life span.”
"God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers?"
”The workers have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win. Proletarians of All Countries, Unite!”
Every book is a vessel for a fragment of truth as seen through the eyes and perspective of the author(s). To drink from such fountains is to slake the thirst of one’s soul.
I could go on - I love art, and to me very little would not
qualify as art. Beauty is truth, and truth, beauty - and that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. These words have lived in my heart since the day I first read them as a young teen. Poetry, movies, paintings, doodles - singing, music, dancing - I love creative expression in all its forms. I love cooking and, even more importantly, I love the eating after the act. I've always said the best way to learn about a new location or new culture is through its cuisine. Our relationship with food defines our history and legacy as a species, it colours our memories and our waking moments. The search for new recipes is an evergreen pursuit that I hope will take me across all corners of the globe, sampling and appreciating the wonderful nutriments cultivated across cultures, for all their striking similarities and dazzling differences.
I could go on and on, really - I'm a scuba diver (search and rescue certified, soon to be solo-diver certified) with a big passion for conservation and ecosystem restoration. I am a programmer and developer (I’d only be comfortable calling myself an amateur. My biggest claim to fame so far is this site, built from scratch, and any projects showcased herein). I play the bass, though I practice far less than I’m happy admitting. Do these things define me, give you a better context of the entity that is "Ben"?
Let’s say I pick up a new hobby today. Has "Ben" changed, have I grown or expanded because of this new acquisition? Let's say I stop doing all these things - have I changed? Does the entity known as "Ben" no longer exist, only to be replaced by a new, less interesting person distinct from the "Ben" that was? If I were to have an accident that made it so I could never dive again, I could never see the awe-striking, fear-inducing, wonder of the vast underwater world, would I lose a part of me? Would I stop being me?
These are the things I think about. It makes me hesitant to fully stake my identity on the things I do, either.
Don't get me started on the things I've achieved. I can't stand the thought of stepping foot upon the hedonic treadmill, steadily accruing material points, only for 20 years to pass me by when I realize, all of a sudden, I had spent that time going nowhere that truly mattered to me. You might ask, but what about the meaningful achievements? What about being there for a friend in need, or excelling in your profession? What about getting married, being a pillar of your community? Do those achievements equate to going nowhere? All of those things are wonderful, admirable, and important - but I wouldn't say they define me. They contribute to my sense of self-identity, absolutely, but I don't like to use my achievements or my boasts as a way to indicate how people should view me. "If a tree falls in the middle of a forest and no one is around to hear it, did it truly make a sound?" Unequivocally, I say yes - just as I believe a sound exists irrespective of the listener (maybe more on this later), a good deed exists irrespective of an audience. If I don't feel adequately defined by my relationships, my interests, my deeds, my status, or my reputation, what can I be defined by? All of these things factor
into my self-definition, absolutely. They are each and all necessary, yet not sufficient. Who am I? The simplest answer is, "I am me”.
Recently in my young life, however, as I was reviewing these disparate fragments of self to find the piece of me I felt was missing, I experienced the passing of someone I was close to. Death isn’t an unfamiliar or irreconcilable concept to me. Everyone dies some day, but we never expect someday to mean tomorrow. Or today. A friend of mine died at 26 from cancer. Everyone dies some day, but no one would ever guess it would’ve been him, like that, and so soon. More people I cared about have died since then — my line of work tends to incur casualties. I miss them and mourn them. Death went from an acquaintance to a family member I had to understand. That process took me outside of myself, and I saw how small the Question of Self really was in the grand scheme of things. Three realizations bloomed forth:
- 1. Life is too short to waste. If I believe in a higher purpose, I must align myself to that wholeheartedly.
- 2. I shouldn’t wait for someone I care about to die yet again to remind me of that truth.
- 3. There was nothing missing in me. I simply wasn’t looking in the right place. When my eyes truly opened, I found a seed.
I looked at all the things that almost, but not quite define me, and I realized I am not special by any means. I am incredibly, unbelievably blessed. Finding the seed led to the awareness that I, alone, didn’t earn or deserve my blessings any more than my friend earned or deserved his death. Nor did the folks I work with earn or deserve their suffering. Instead of trying to wrap my mind around how all my blessings define me, how they are significant to my self-narrative, I want to share all I can to ensure that as many people as possible can enjoy life as much as I have, if not more.
It’s been just over two years since my friend’s funeral. I’m almost the age he was when he died. I’ve been holding that seed in my mind ever since then. It’s been shaping and forming, waiting for the right conditions to germinate. Wherever I toss that seed, I want there to sprout a safe haven for anyone to find shelter, food, water, comfort, rest, good music, a decent book, and maybe some community. All for free, no questions asked, and I mean anyone — the only upfront cost being an agreement to respect the space and ourselves.
I asked you to conjure up your own seed. If you believe even a little bit in such a vision, if even a part of you would want to see something like this come to fruition, all I ask is you hold onto that seed. One day, when you’re ready to throw it, I want there to sprout a similar sanctuary, where any and all can rest and be nourished in body and soul.
This is what I want to define me and to drive me. This searing, burning belief that we all have value and we ALL deserve a place we can call our home away from home. Everything that came before and everything that comes after is sanctified and integrated into this central directive.
If any ounce of you resonates with this message, my heart outpours love and kinship for you.
If you scoff or turn away, I hope one day we can walk the same road towards solidarity.
If you hold onto the seed in your mind, you are my family. Without a shadow of a doubt, you have secured your place in all kingdoms of Heaven.
However you feel and whatever you believe, all I can ask of you is to watch what happens.
Thank you for reading and for indulging me in this exploration of self. This marks the tip of the iceberg; the Neurascape awaits you.